Why do I constantly hold on to something so damaging?

Currently listening to Band Of Horses


Sometimes the thought of letting go of something is harder than living with the pain it constantly provides you.
Maybe that is why so many people stay in abusive relationships or choose not to let go of certain addictions that only hurt them and people around them.
I'm at one of those places right now. I've finally had the ball thrown back in my court after waiting a long time. Part of me naturally wants to throw it right back, putting myself completely out there just hoping that the ball gets thrown back. Looking to the past it could go either way. I am more hopeful now then I would have been two weeks ago, but this fools hope is failing me more often than not.
I'm tired of being slighted. I'm tired of the hurt. I'm SOO sick of not feeling like I am good enough.
Should I leave the ball right where it landed and walk away? Having the final word for once.
Should I drop this and look for something new entirely? Would that literally make the dreams stop?
What good is something new if you constantly dream about what you left?
I have completely no idea what to do.

I just keep envisioning one of those moments like in movies and TV shows where when the main character finally gets the one thing they wanted the entire length of the movie, instead of taking it, they just walk away.
It is easy to watch that happen and think of how empowering that must feel for them or how it was such a great choice, but it is different to be in that position yourself and to think of what happens after.
After the camera stops rolling.
This is no movie, it is your life.
The story keeps going, it doesn't just stop once you do something magnificent, or after you finally solve a tough problem.
What happens after I wonder?


I don't want to talk through this problem with the people that I need to most. I strive so hard not to be like most girls and over talk everything. I deal with that everyday of my life. The last thing I want to do is give that annoyance to someone else. I can't talk through my frustrations calmly because most people I talk to just frustrate me more and really have nothing to say that will help me. Or simply their tone while they are talking to me drives me up the wall.


What do I do?

I guess this comes from being too nice, if there is such a thing.
I would rather hurt myself than hurt anyone else.
I didn't start sticking up for myself until this year when a bunch of my close friends started telling me that I needed to.
It has been a really weird thing for me.





I guess I will just pray about this whole situation.

Forgive me if this seemed Emo. It's just what I am thinking right now.