So I reflect

 Two years since I've written anything, I had hoped to blog while on my trip, but got more wrapped up in just enjoying my time and neglected writing. I also get lazy, and that is the real excuse. 

It's wild what has happened in these two years. 

I traveled to some brilliant new places, had to rush back to the states due to a pandemic quickly spreading the surface of the globe. The pandemic that we all hoped would last little more than a few months. Two years later we are learning about the third variant of this virus. We are seeing people willing to risk their careers and the possible health of others over the vaccine. So many are convinced it is a conspiracy, or a means to somehow control us. If it is a hoax, at least I can say that I did it for the common good of those around me. It has also managed to then, via the placebo effect, make fighting the virus much easier and quicker for my friends and family who have contracted covid. I am now currently nursing what I can only assume is COVID. 

In these last two years my sister successfully had her brain surgery to repair her aneurysm. My dad met and married a real cool lady. I joined the navy during a pandemic, and am stationed in Norfolk, VA.

I'm trying to take this time while recovering at home to reflect. It can be hard for me to be proud of myself sometimes. Because I live with myself every day, I see the productive times, and the lazy times. I am front and center through any changes and progress. I forget to take time to reflect and be thankful. I forget to take time to feel pride in myself and the woman I am, and the woman I am constantly becoming. 

I can be so hard on myself. I grew up in a family that expected excellence. It was expected that anything that is done should be done well. That we are privileged and blessed to have our basic needs met, and on top of that, to be intelligent. That amount of pressure and drive for excellence makes it hard to recognize your achievements for what they are. 

So I reflect........

So I remember......

So I thank past me......

2018- 2019 we years of almost nonstop trauma. So much heart break. So much loss. SO much change. So much stress. Yet, we prevailed. Yet, I grew. Yet, the sun kept rising. Yet, I kept moving. 

I didn't take up new vices. I didn't hurt people in a hot-headed attempt to placate my heart break. I didn't let myself break. I kept moving. Everyday, I kept moving. 

I find myself searching for my next goal. I attempt to daydream about what I need to do next. DO I go back to school now? Will I re-enlist after this contract? Do I try to get a degree now and commission? Do I avoid the uncomfortable and try to transfer to a more chill shop at my command? 

Instead, let me look back on the last year and be thankful.  My dear girl, in 2021 you graduated A school. You were in the top 5 of your class, while learning about something 100% foreign to you. Those ahead of you had degrees in electrical engineering, had prior experience, math degrees, or were just incredibly bright. You got to your command and have learned so much. You went from knowing nothing about helicopters, only knowing that they are different than fixed wing aircraft somehow, to knowing so much about your platform. You know so many stats about the aircraft, as well as how to do daily inspections, servicing, and other misc tasks that are used to support this aircraft. You have built rapor with so many coworkers in many different shops. You make excellent scores on your PRT, even at 30 you've got it going on. 

You stay active and in the gym. 

You eat clean.

 You dress well.

You continue to read.

 You maintain adult friendships with other military and civilians.

 Most importantly, you looks to other, strong people, especially women for inspiration. You seldom compare yourself, but rather look at any traits you admire as a skill to learn, and reach out to those people for advice. 

If 19 year old Hanna could see you now, she would be a bit surprised, but would be so impressed.