I’ve been trying to decide for a while, as to how I will get back on here.
I’m going to dive in, I guess.

My current life motto is, “There’s just a lot going on.”
This is the reality.
It is often difficult for me to talk about some parts of my life. I like to be open and transparent, but with something I am protective and thus guarded.
Luckily I don’t think that many people will be reading this, so I minus well put it out there.

For those that are burning with curiosity, Andres and I separated in August of 2018.
This has all been incredibly painful and not fun to talk about. This was all happening as I was working ungodly hours as the GM of a incredibly fast paced cafe.
I was putting in more than 12 hour days, 7 days a week,  all while watching my marriage continue to unravel.
There was no major event that lead to this.  All I will say is, Fathers out there, if you are teaching your daughters to be strong and know their worth, get ready for them to expect a lot out of people and take no sh*t.
Andres and I are still legally married. We are civil. We talk. We hang out sometimes. We Don’t hate each other.
Andres is currently set to ship out to Boot Camp in the middle of the month as he wishes to pursue his dream of joining the US Navy.

I am currently living with my sister in Janesville,WI.
When my mom passed in Feb, we found out that there is a genetic factor to Aneurysms.
My mom was the 5th person in the family that my maternal grandmother could recall off hand that passed from an aneurysm in their 50s.
My family was all tested and we found out that my sister does have aneurysms as well. Lucky for us, she found them now. She is young, healthy, and tough as nails.
She just gave birth to baby boy #3.
I’m now here to offer my best attempt at emotional, sister support to my sister as we start on this path toward treatment.

I am going to be working part time at a gymnastics gym here in Janesville, as well as at Victoria’s Secret. EVERYONE GETS UNDERWEAR FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR!

So here is my starting off point.
Love you all.
Forgive me if I air out other rants on here. It’s been an emotional year and a half.

I miss my mom.

I think about her constantly.

It’s in all these little moments where I think “I need to text mom and tell her that.......oh wait, I cant”.

I know this is nothing new. Grieving is something that every human will do at least once in their life, but it doesn’t make it easier. 

My mom was one of the few people in my life that would let me talk. She would just sit, and let me say what I needed to say. 

It’s hard to find that. When the rest of the world seemed shocked by me or things I’m doing, my mom never was. This is because my mom knew me. She listened. She understood my heart. 

Whenever something good happens, I want to tell her, but I cant. 

I’m planning my dream trip, and she wont be there to talk with my about it after. 

My family is going through a lot, and she isn’t there to sit on the couch with me and hug me.

To whom will I ask all my questions?

Who is going to make all the knit Christmas gifts, and sew PJs for people?

My mom felt like a light house to me. 

I would go do my things, but I always knew she was there, and she was safety. 

She would guide me in to harbor when life got crazy. 

I remember when I was maybe 6 years old, and I was going to a track clinic, because I wanted to try it out. 

On my second day, I was riding my bike there while she walked. 

She took a shortcut between some buildings, and I didn’t realize. 

I remember the absolute panic that came over me when I no longer saw her. 

I was so upset that she went somewhere that I couldn’t see. 

This panic wears a different face as an adult, But it isn’t any less scary. 

It’s all going to be fine....It has to be. 

Not a single one of these sentiments is new over the last 8 months. It’s just the loops of feelings that keep coming back....over...and over...and over...and over again. 

Loops on loops-on loops-on loops.