I miss my mom.

I think about her constantly.

It’s in all these little moments where I think “I need to text mom and tell her that.......oh wait, I cant”.

I know this is nothing new. Grieving is something that every human will do at least once in their life, but it doesn’t make it easier. 

My mom was one of the few people in my life that would let me talk. She would just sit, and let me say what I needed to say. 

It’s hard to find that. When the rest of the world seemed shocked by me or things I’m doing, my mom never was. This is because my mom knew me. She listened. She understood my heart. 

Whenever something good happens, I want to tell her, but I cant. 

I’m planning my dream trip, and she wont be there to talk with my about it after. 

My family is going through a lot, and she isn’t there to sit on the couch with me and hug me.

To whom will I ask all my questions?

Who is going to make all the knit Christmas gifts, and sew PJs for people?

My mom felt like a light house to me. 

I would go do my things, but I always knew she was there, and she was safety. 

She would guide me in to harbor when life got crazy. 

I remember when I was maybe 6 years old, and I was going to a track clinic, because I wanted to try it out. 

On my second day, I was riding my bike there while she walked. 

She took a shortcut between some buildings, and I didn’t realize. 

I remember the absolute panic that came over me when I no longer saw her. 

I was so upset that she went somewhere that I couldn’t see. 

This panic wears a different face as an adult, But it isn’t any less scary. 

It’s all going to be fine....It has to be. 

Not a single one of these sentiments is new over the last 8 months. It’s just the loops of feelings that keep coming back....over...and over...and over...and over again. 

Loops on loops-on loops-on loops.